Where to start?

I found myself wanting to write but not finding the words. I guess the best time to write is when all those feelings hit you like a ton of bricks and you're laying there ready to burst. I've traveled miles to get here and I'm semi-satisfied to the feelings of life I have. Still diseased, as usual, but a little bit more understood, I suppose... Still I have this feeling that something is completely wrong. Still in strife. Still in reference. Still haven't decided... Breathing in a good exercise and for those minute few seconds your breathe goes in and releases, you're free. Almost feels like the pressure releases but then the count down begins again. I have materials and most of them could be considered keys to happiness but I think my grief or better yet, dissatisfaction, starts at the core. If this core was almost whole, a little bit less bruised, and secure... maybe then satisfaction could take its course. Maybe then I could... well... I dunno...

experience fulfillment? happiness?

i swear im my own worst enemy.

i think the hardest fight is with myself.

the hardest fight with myself is my emotions.

the deepest depth comes from trying to scoop away tragic endings.

why do i keep doing this.

how the hell do i change it.

keep questioning, keep figuring, keep laughing it away.

i cant fight myself, if it feels good im there, if it doesnt im swept away by the wind.

just keep it up, keep truckin, keep spelling my life with a big KNIFE.

its constant and painful but i fall for the gold mine every time.

i miss my spirit, my love, my freedom.

im in a constant spinning shit hole, i found the depths of festering youth.

i need to get out of here because everyones the fucking same.